Pouring it all out

August 7, 2007 at 9:00 pm (Faith)

Ever have those times in your life where you’re dealing with something and then all of a sudden it’s all around you?

Tonight I was reading Shalee’s post and it was one of those times. She writes about loneliness and depression and is refreshingly honest.

For the past two weeks I have been spending a lot of time dwelling on my struggle with depression that began 4 years ago.

You see our pastor is doing a series called "Baggage" with a message titled "Released from Depression" on August 25/26. I volunteered to do a video testimony…without being asked…I think I’m nuts.

Okay, not really. I actually wrote my testimony out shortly after coming out of that depression, but I’ve never shared it except for with a few people. But as I was helping prepare all the advertising and graphics for the series I felt the Holy Spirit nudging me.

I thought, no big deal, do a videotaped testimony. I’m comfortable in front of the camera (actually have very weird on-camera work experience I’ll have to tell you about sometime). I have no problem talking. I’ll tell my life story to a stranger. No biggie.

Um, WRONG!

I got out the testimony I wrote 3 years ago and began updating it, making some changes. I decided to read it out loud to see how long it was. I couldn’t even make it through. With crying breaks it was like 10 minutes – and that’s the short version.

I had meeting last week with Pastor Greg and the creative director to talk about the shoot. Greg said how much he appreciated me being willing to share and being so open and honest and how that would mean so much to people, especially coming from a pastor’s wife because it will show them that we’re not perfect.

And I began to panic. Just a little.

I am getting ready to bare my soul to about 1,500 people that I see on a weekly basis. That is an awesome responsibility and one that has weighed heavy on my heart. I have been praying fervently since then that God would really speak to me about  what to share, down to the specifics of my journey.

So in a sense, I have been reliving that journey during the last week. Recalling specific conversations, specific incidents (like the fact that I couldn’t get it together enough to throw a birthday party for my 4 year old and his friends – he still remembers the year he only got a family party).

Reliving it is NOT fun! It has been a very emotional week for me. On Saturday morning after my quiet time I was just sitting with my journal, asking God what I should share, remembering things, and I could feel the Evil One trying to bring me down. He would love for me to dwell on the discouragement and loneliness that I felt during that time – to take me back to that place. Instead I am just praying that God will really just use this time to continue the healing – emotionally.

I feel like I need to go have a REALLY good cry and get it all out and then maybe I will be able to make it through the video shoot in one piece. That’s a big maybe.

We shoot the video on Friday morning – I would appreciate prayer. The video will be online the week after the message and I’ll post a link.

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12 Comments

  1. Brooke said,

    You are such a blessing to me, and you are about to be a blessing to 1,500. Do you need to practice telling your story? Call me. Prayers are going up!

  2. Tina said,

    Praying for you!! You are going to touch so many people and Jesus is going to use you to bring them to Him. It will be great!

  3. Cathy Gumm said,

    Julie I love you more than you will probably ever know. I will be praying that the Holy Spirit will be openly present during this time. The “evil one” won’t have a chance. You have been such a blessing to so many (me included) and God is going to use you in His Mighty Way with this for a long time to come.

  4. Cathy Gumm said,

    Our Heavenly Father knew that keeping track of Money was not one of my life skills. But I am Rich because he gave me a Million Dollar Daugther-in-Law. Your life is a constant Joy to watch and be a part of. Thanks for being You, in all you do. Be a praying -gumm

  5. Shalee said,

    Strangely enough, Julie, I think a really good cry would go a long way for me too…

    I’m praying for you, sweet lady. And we know that God can use everything for his purpose. Now he’s using yours for edification to others. That thought alone may dwarf the past memories and help you through your testimonial. Use it girl, and give it to God… again.

  6. Jenny said,

    You are such an amazing woman of God! How exciting that you can help others and show them they are not alone and there are others who understand. I will be praying for you, especially on Friday. We are all cheering you on, but God is your biggest supporter! Love you!

  7. green3 said,

    That will be hard for you, but just think of the help you’ll be providing someone! Think back to when you were in that state of mind and how helpful it would have been to have heard from someone just like you. You will touch lives with your testimony – I’m sure of it.

  8. Stacey said,

    I’m so proud of you for doing this! It will help so many people who are out there silently struggling right now. I’ll be thinking about you and praying for you!

  9. Kelley - O2BNAZ said,

    I know God will give you the right words for the video, but He is also continuing to heal your heart through the whole process of reflecting and communicating your testimony about His love and faithfulness through your times of depression.

    Keeping you in my prayers, my friend. Let us know how it goes.

  10. Jen said,

    I am praying for you Julie! You can do it! I am so excited to see what fruit will come out of your willingness to be led by the Lord, even into something so personally difficult and uncomfortable…. What a blessing you are!!!!

  11. Stacey said,

    So how did it go??

  12. Mary@notbefore7 said,

    Wow! I don’t really ‘know’ you well, but am so amazed at your willingness to be honest with so many. When we step out in faith like this, God is gonna use it! I will be praying for you as you step out with such courage!

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