The Cricket Hunter

July 25, 2006 at 7:00 am (Uncategorized)

My husband has a super-power. It’s not super strength or the ability to fly or something really useful like that. No, he has supersonic hearing. This is another one of those things now listed in the "How did I date you for 4 years and not realize this until we were married" column (along with his golf addiction).

You’d think supersonic hearing would be useful. No need for a baby monitor, he would hear the slightest cry and rush to the aid of the infant. Right? Uh, no. It seems that somehow the supersonic hearing got mixed in with the normal male selective hearing so he’s able to turn it off and on for crying babies and requests to do the dishes at will.

Only digital clocks are allowed in our house. The others "tick too loud". Seriously, the sound of the hands moving around the clock drive him insane. Now I know there are some clocks that tick loud but we’re not talking about those. We’re talking about normal clocks. I had a small travel alarm clock that was inside a case buried at the bottom of my stuffed-to-overflowing sock drawer and he could hear it. He couldn’t find it, but he could hear it. And it drove him nuts. "Can’t you hear that?" he asked, amazed that I couldn’t. I finally found the offending clock and removed the batteries. Supersonic hearing.

I owned a watch once that ticked too loud. Oh, it was okay for normal wear, but I couldn’t wear it to bed because if my arm was to close to his head it would keep him awake. Supersonic hearing.

We sleep with a noise machine on every night, the fan going (even in the dead of winter) and most nights he also has ear plugs in. Supersonic hearing.

And apparently, I chew too loud. This is VERY disconcerting. I will admit that somehow my parents failed in the "chew with your mouth closed" manner teaching and this is a poor habit that I have. But again, this goes in the "why didn’t you ever say anything during the 4 years we were dating" category. The poor man suffered through hundreds of meals listening to me chomp away on my food, completely oblivous to the fact that I was driving him crazy.

So after many years I am better. Granted, not perfect, but better. But it’s not good enough. HE CAN STILL HEAR ME CHEWING….inside my mouth….he can hear me move food around for more chewing…with my lips sealed.  Seriously, we’ll be sitting on the couch watching TV and if I’m eating he will leave the room! Supersonic hearing.

And now, the worst time of the year is upon us….CRICKET SEASON. No, not the wicket and ball variety, the creepy, crawly, CHIRPY variety. Very CHIRPY. And so was born the Cricket Hunter. Each night when the sun finally fades and darkness falls, the chirping begins. Slowly at first, then, like some sort of chorale society more join crickets join the happy little chorus. And he stalks them. He follows the sounds. He taps on walls, he climbs on the counters, he opens cupboards, he crawls under desks. All in search of the elusive chirping. He sprays, he swats and he hunts. After all, there’s not much else he can do WITH ALL THAT NOISE going on. Supersonic hearing.

Two nights ago I went to bed before he did. As I laid my weary head on the pillow I heard it, "chirp, chirp, chirp". It was in the wall, right behind our bed. "Oh is he going to be mad" I thought to myself. Ten minutes later I could take it no longer. I rolled over, found some ear plugs and stuck them in. Supersonic hearing….maybe it’s catching.

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6 Comments

  1. Stacey said,

    You did it… you told a story like all the funny bloggers we talk about!! I was laughing so much through this one!! I loved how you put “Supersonic Hearing” at the end of each paragraph. Thanks for making me laugh : )

  2. Tina said,

    This was TOO funny!
    It is EXACTLY like my husband!
    We lay in bed at night and all of a sudden he will throw off the covers, leave the room, and return a few seconds later…why?
    He could here the water dripping in the bathroom! WHAT?!!
    Yea, I understand COMPLETLEY!
    Supersonic Hearing is right! 🙂

  3. veronica said,

    When we were kids, my mom had trouble sleeping at night if there were crickets, so she paid us each a quarter for every cricket we killed. We’d come tell her we killed one, and then lead her to the crunched bug as evidence. Then we’d get our quarter.

    Thanks for the bringing back the memories.

  4. boomama said,

    I promise I think it’s a man thing. But it’s totally selective, like you mentioned, when crying babies are involved. My husband can’t take any kind of repetitive ticking / squealing / shrieking, and – GET THIS – one night he couldn’t sleep b/c I didn’t shut the computer down and he said that the fan inside the computer was keeping him awake.

    Funny creatures, the husbands. 🙂

    Great story!

  5. Susanne said,

    Linked from Boomama’s. That was hilarious. I could just see him hunting them down sorta like the Crocodile Hunter guy! Very cute post!

  6. Mishel said,

    I loved this post! It totally made me laugh…especially the part about you chewing your food too loudly. I am always telling my husband he chews too loud. In reality, I don’t think he really does, I thinks it’s just my overly sensitive hearing. : )

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