One Mom’s Lifesong

I thought I would share my list of songs that have helped me through these times of discouragement and darkness. Some are new and so technically I didn’t listen to them in the midst of my depression, but they still speak to me.

While you may not be suffering from depression, everyone goes through a down period at some point in your life. Maybe these songs will be able to minister to you as well.

No One Else Knows by Building 429 (Lyrics) (Video)
The Real Me by Natalie Grant (Lyrics) (Video)
Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns (Lyrics) (Video)
Everlasting God by Lincoln Brewster (Lyrics)  (Video)
You Carried Me by Building 429 (Lyrics) (Video)
When the Tears Fall by Newsboys (Lyrics) (Video)
Psalm 73 (My God’s Enough) by Barlow Girls (Lyrics) (Video)
Amazed by Building 429 (Lyrics)

If you have other songs that you think should be on hear, leave a comment. I’d love to hear them.

Last week hubby was talking with me and one of the ladies in our church who is a counselor, in preparation for last week’s message on depression – getting ideas, etc.

Meloney used this awesome illustration of "The Well". She said that some people are so far down in the well that they cannot see the light, they cannot imagine a way out and they have no hope. Those people need medication to help them begin to come up out of the well – to begin to see the light before other methods of treatment for depression will begin to work.

That was me. I honestly don’t think that I could have pulled out of the depression without medication. I know there is some controversy in Christian circles about medication for mental issues (don’t even get me started on Tom Cruise), but I don’t see how it’s any different than someone suffering from cancer. God has gifted individuals with skills to make amazing medical advancements. Who are we not to use every tool provided?

Along with the medication my doctor told me to start seeing a counselor which I did for a period of about 6 months. I did a lot of journaling during that time, a lot of examining of all the things going on in my life and I really did re-prioritize a lot of stuff.

A couple of other things that I either used at the time or have learned since then that help (besides prayer):

1. Exercise – I am bad about staying disciplined in this area but when I exercise regularly I feel so much better about myself, my energy level is up and research has shown a direct link between exercise and depression. It raises the seratonin levels in the brain which is what anti-depressants do as well.

2. Get Involved/Stay Involved – For me, I was already involved in other things when the depression hit. I was a church nursery coordinator, we hosted a home team, etc. My natural tendency was to pull back and withdraw from those things. But it was the times where I was doing something for someone else (especially the nursery) that I would forget about myself and the issues I was dealing with. So if you’re not involved in helping other people somehow, do it.

This is not to be confused with doing too much. I also pulled out of some less important things.

3. Journal – Specifically I did a lot of journaling about things I had to be grateful for – even small things. When I was worn out and overwhelmed with doing the umpteenth load of laundry I would stop and say "God, thank you for providing nice clothes for my family…and a washing machine and dryer."

4. Talk About It – Reach out to those around you and let them know what is going on in your life. Your true friends will not judge you or turn their back on you. They may not know exactly what to do or what to say but just having people around you that can help carry the burden is a huge thing.

5. Worship Music – Music has always been a big part of my life and I love finding a song that I really connect with. There are so many great praise and worship songs out there. Tomorrow I’ll post a list of songs that have especially spoken to me.

If you’ve gone through depression and have other things that helped you, please share them.

So here, it is…the story of my journey through depression. Of course this is the condensed-made-for-Sunday-morning-TV version.

So first watch the video, then come back and read the in-between part of my story.

Depression Testimony Video

(If you want to see the whole Sunday morning message and testimony you can view it at our church web site.)

Back? Okay.

So it took a minimum of 6 months of misery before I had that "revelation" that I talk about in the video. It was at that point that I finally began to share with those around me what was going on – Mark, Kristen, Stacey. To this day, none of those 3 people probably knew the whole story, or the depth of it. It was something that I had never really put into words until preparing this testimony.

Turns out Kristen had been experiencing similar things and was already on meds. I think in talking to her I finally realized that "Yes, this might actually be depression." Before I had written that word off. I thought because I was functioning that I couldn’t possibly be that bad off. WRONG! I’m apparently, just amazingly stubborn.

So I finally went to see my doctor who, God bless her, happens to have a real interest in psychiatric medicine so, while it wasn’t her specialty she was very well versed. She went through the list of questions that went something like this…

• Have you lost interest in normal daily activities and/or hobbies you enjoy?
• Do you have crying spells? Feel sad or hopeless?
• Do you have trouble sleeping or want to sleep too much?
• Do you have trouble concentrated and making decisions?
• Do you have an increased or decreased appetite?
• Are you restless, agitated, irritable and easily annoyed?
• Do you have less interest in sex?

Yes, yes, yes….

The only question I said no to was "Have you had thoughts of suicide?" I think my actual response was, "Are you kidding, and leave my husband to take care of the kids alone? They’d eat cheese crisps every day for the rest of their lives." (Moment of humor to break up the tears that were flowing by that point. I’m sure if something does ever happen to me they’ll be fine – he does know how to make other stuff.)

I was diagnosed with clinical depression and put on anti-depressants (Wellbutrin has worked well for me). We talked a bit about my family history. My paternal grandmother dealt with depression – I remember several severe episodes growing up. 

Luckily Wellbutrin seems to work faster than some of the other drugs that can take a couple of weeks before you see an improvement. I remember waking up one Saturday morning about 3 or 4 days after my doctor’s appt. I got in the shower and all of a sudden in dawned on me – I was actually in a good mood (well as good a mood as I get in the morning). It was amazing and I felt such a huge sense of relief.

It still took me a couple of months to tell the rest of the family about my depression. Friends too. It’s one of those things that’s kind of hard to just work into conversation. "Hi, how are you?" "Good now that I’m on anti-depressants." See what I mean?

I was on meds for about two years before I weaned off of them. I’ve been back on them once since then. I can spot the warning signs now and that helps.

So this is already really long, so I’ll be back with another post about some of the things that helped me as I was coming out of the depression.
…….

On a completely shallow note one of the first things I thought when the video started to play for the first time was "Dang, my hair looks GOOD!" (Go Jen!) And just for the record I’ve had like 4 other people tell me that too, so it’s not just me being vain

So this weekend was the big weekend when my video testimony about my struggles with depression aired in church in front of about 1,500 people (for background read here, here, and here). By then I had watched the video at least a half dozen times and I, for the most part, could make it through without crying.

I decided to attend the last service (we have one on Sat eve. and 3 on Sundays) which is when we usually attend (well, hubby is there all weekend as he’s on staff). My in-laws come too. They are very soft-hearted people and I knew it would be difficult for them to watch. I tried to email them the link so they could view it ahead of time but it wouldn’t work so they had to go cold turkey. They actually remained somewhat composed – proud of you guys!

I got about a dozen hugs from people who had already seen it before I even made it to the auditorium, some I didn’t even know. Very cool! I love our church family!

The whole message went really well. It should be online by tomorrow and I will post a link. The main chunk of my testimony is at the beginning, then Pastor Greg speaks, then the end of my testimony, then more from Pastor Greg.

At the end we did a really cool thing. People had been told to bring "baggage" they wanted to release to God to church – some brought letters, pictures, divorce papers, etc. We put them in backpacks and hung them on the cross to symbolize the freedom we have in Christ. It was very powerful and moving.

I have a ton of other stuff percolating in my head about depression – a good week’s worth of posts. Hope you’ll come back.

P.S. I have to give a huge shout out to my girls who were praying for me through all of this and were such a huge encouragement to me – Stacey, Jen, Brooke, Tracy, Juli, Kristen. You guys Rock!

I grew up in a pretty traditional church – the kind that sang hymns, out of hymnals. I remember sometime toward the end of high school they transitioned toward praise choruses that were projected on screens. Oh my, the uproar it caused. And by praise choruses we’re still talking about some pretty tame stuff. But still, some people actually had the audacity to clap…in church…can you imagine???

Our church is definitely more contemporary and we totally rock out – in all 4 services. There is no traditional service and contemporary service. They are ALL contemporary. Our Worship Director Derek and the praise team do an awesome job. It is loud and it is beautiful. I personally connect way more with God through this kind of worship. Yes, we still sing some hymns, like Amazing Grace, or How Great Thou Art, but they’re definitely more rockin’ versions.

On the rare occasions when my parents come to our church instead of theirs, my dad turns his hearing aids off during the music portion One day we had a conversation about music styles and what would be sung in heaven. I think he was concerned my children wouldn’t know any of the words. I had to tell him we’d be in the "contemporary worship" section of heaven but we’d come visit him in the "old-school" section once in awhile.

All that to say that I just found this awesome post on Perry Noble’s blog that talks about different worship styles, including those with a "Booming Sound System".

So this weekend is rapidly approaching – the weekend where they show my video testimony about my struggle with depression to the entire church – about 1,500 adults. (You can read more about that here and here.)

Since we shot the video on August 9th I have been waiting anxiously to view it. The night we shot I didn’t even look at any of the footage and it was rather frightening knowing that my story was entirely in the hands of someone else who would hopefully make it look good.

Monday I got a call saying they had a rough draft of the video done and I could watch it. I had Jen, Brooke and Vavella over at my house for scrapbooking so we all kind of gathered around the computer to watch – me in the chair, the 3 of them standing behind me. At one point I looked over to grab a Kleenex and the box was gone – turns out the girls were already passing them out.

Dana did an AWESOME job with the video editing. They are making a few minor tweaks. About 5 min. of my story will be shown right before the message, then the "end/healing" portion after Greg talks.

The reaction from the select few that have seen the video has been interesting. I guess having to write my testimony helped me articulate a lot of things that I was never able to put in words during the actual journey through depression, or even shortly after. So even those closest to me have been surprised by some of the things I think.

Then there are some who have expressed guilt that they were not more supportive during that time, or that they didn’t know how bad it was.

I’ve just had to tell them – that’s not your fault – it’s mine for not telling you. I think that is one of the hugest things about depression – it’s like a dirty secret – especially among Christians.

I found a statistic yesterday that said that 54% of people see depression as a sign of personal weakness. How telling is that???? The people suffering from depression are afraid to talk about what their feeling because they are afraid of what people will think. Or in my case, just fear in admitting that I could not fix this on my own, or control it. (I’ve never been one to care what people think.)

Hopefully my testimony will help others who are suffering silently to start talking about it and get help.

I will be posting the video testimony sometime next week.